We can't do it alone: The Importance of Community

Wendy Mann
Oct 5
6 min read

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If you want to go on a journey of becoming a wholehearted disciple, you need people around you who will journey with you. We can’t become wholehearted disciples in isolation—we can’t do it on our own. We desperately need community: people who really know us and really love us.

Jesus Modelled Community

Jesus Himself showed us the importance of community in His own life:

He chose the twelve at the start of His ministry. Out of them, He then chose three—Peter, James, and John—for a deeper connection. These were the ones He let into His heart in a more intimate way.
They became His inner circle. They were invited to witness His transfiguration, they alone saw Him raise Jairus’ daughter from the dead, and they were with Him in Gethsemane during His moment of deepest distress. Jesus even asked them to watch and pray with Him. He needed and wanted their nearness—but they weren’t able to be there for Him because they kept falling asleep.
John was singled out. Known as the disciple whom Jesus loved. There clearly was a special bond between him and Jesus. When Jesus hung on the cross, John was the only disciple who remained—alongside the women—after all the others had fled.

“When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” (John 19:26–27)

If Jesus needed deep friendship and community, how much more do we?

Why the Enemy Wants Us Isolated

Having close friendships is really important, but there’s often a battle against building them. The truth is that the enemy doesn’t want us to have real and deep relationships. His mission is to keep us isolated, because he knows that if we are alone, we are far more vulnerable to his schemes and attacks.

Peter warns us: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

If you’ve ever watched a David Attenborough nature programme, you’ll know how this works. Lionesses hunt in teams and their strategy is to startle the herd, causing them to scatter. The weak, sick, or vulnerable end up separated—and once isolated, they’re easy prey.

It’s the same for us. The enemy works to lure us away from community and cut us off from the flock.

I’ve experienced this myself. Last summer I found myself in a very dark place—offended with the church and isolated. Within the space of a month, six people unexpectedly reached out to me. It was a wake-up call and an incredible reminder of God’s grace. Through those connections, He drew me back into community and started a deep work of healing in my heart.

God Calls Us Into Community

God calls us to be in community—to belong to His church. And within that wider body, we need a few trusted friends who really know us and really love us. I’m not talking about casual acquaintances, but genuine friendships with people who:

encourage and champion us,
confront and challenge us when needed,
and give us space to be fully honest about what’s in our hearts.

We need people with whom we can share our dreams as well as our struggles—the parts of us we’re proud of and the parts we’re ashamed of. Friendships like these walk with us through life’s highs and lows. They provoke us to become the best version of ourselves.

The truth is this: we can’t become wholehearted disciples without this kind of community. Healing, freedom, and wholeness happen together. But it’s not easy. Deep friendship is risky because opening your heart exposes you to the possibility of being hurt. It also takes intentionality and time. Over the years I’ve learnt (and am still learning) some key things about building deep friendships and leaning into community.

1) Pray for Good Friends

The journey begins with prayer. Take time to intentionally ask God for the friends you need.

There have been seasons when I’ve longed for friendship but felt paralysed by questions like, “Where do I start? Who do I approach? Doesn’t everyone already have their people?” Those thoughts can overwhelm us. In those moments, I’ve often prayed: “Lord, please provide me with a friend. Lead me to the right person. Be my shepherd in this.”

God knows our needs better than we do. He’s brilliant at opening doors and leading us to the right people. We may not see answers immediately, but He is faithful to respond when we persistently bring our desires before Him.

If you’ve been longing for deep connection for a long time, and friendship feels difficult, don’t give up. Keep asking God for the gift of genuine friendship. He knows your need, and He loves to set the lonely in families.

2) Take Relational Risks

We can’t develop real community if we keep our masks on. To grow deep friendships, we need to take relational risks by being vulnerable and letting others see who we really are.

1 John 1:7 says: “If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

Fellowship flows from walking in the light—coming out of hiding and letting ourselves be seen.

This doesn’t mean opening up to everyone. But as we search for our “inner circle,” we need to take small steps of vulnerability. Building trust is like a dance:

I share something from my heart,
then I watch how the other person responds. Do they listen well? Respond with kindness? Handle my heart carefully?
I also notice if they’re willing to share something vulnerable in return.

If I feel dismissed or unsafe, I probably won’t risk again. But if I feel seen and cared for—and they also choose openness—trust is built, and next time I can share more. That’s how friendship deepens: step by step, choice by choice.

Deep community takes time, intentionality, and mutual willingness to lower our masks.

3) Learn to Ask Good Questions

Another key to building deep friendships is learning to ask good questions. Jesus often used questions to draw people out, and it’s a skill we need if we want friendships that go beyond the surface.

Have you ever spent time with someone who only talks about themselves and never asks about you? It’s draining. You can’t build intimacy in that kind of relationship.

Healthy friendships help us look beneath the surface. Asking thoughtful questions is one of the best ways to encourage that. For example:

How do you feel about that?
Why do you think you responded that way?
What do you think God thinks about it?
What do you need right now?
Why is it hard to be kind to yourself?

When we ask these kinds of questions—and are willing to answer them ourselves—we build trust, intimacy, and space for healing.

So next time someone shares something with you, don’t just nod and move on. Ask a follow-up question. It might open the door to deeper connection.

4) Understand Your Attachment Style

Finally, it’s important to prioritise our own heart journey—inviting Jesus into our deepest wounds. The truth is, our brokenness affects our relationships, whether we like it or not. “Hurt people hurt people; healed people heal people.”

This past year, through counselling, I’ve learnt a lot about myself—especially about attachment styles. It’s been eye-opening to see how my early experiences shape the way I relate to others now.

Here are three things worth knowing:

Attachment starts in childhood. The way we connected with our primary caregivers formed patterns that influence our adult relationships.
Healing is possible. With God’s help and healthy friendships, we can move towards secure attachment. God Himself is the most secure, steadfast, and trustworthy One, and intimacy with Him changes us.
The process takes time. Moving towards secure attachment requires us to look honestly at our stories, but with kindness and grace, not shame.

If you’ve never explored your attachment style, it may be worth taking some time to reflect and invite God to bring healing. And remember: don’t do it in isolation. Wholeheartedness is formed in community.